But during that time I couldn't figure out why everything happened at once, just out of the blue. There was nothing I could lay my finger on and say, That's it, that's the reason this is all raining down on me. Until one night I was writing in my journal (sometimes, writing things out, telling myself exactly what I think, really helps in identifying the problem) and it just came out; and I stared at what I'd written on the page thinking, Oh, that's why. It's funny how things come out in writing that can't be said with words.
I think the reason (if it's not the whole reason, it's part of the reason) everything came on me at once was so that I would be left with nothing. Nothing I could firmly hold onto or point to and say, This. This is what will happen. Or, That is what I'm counting on. Or, I'm sure of this.
God took everything that I knew, was counting on, and was sure of away from me. The only thing I had left was Himself. And I think that right there is the point. I was feeling pretty good, pretty confident, very sure of myself until everything seemed to crumble. Then I felt so weak because I had nothing I could hold on to - it all lay in a million pieces at my feet.
Next thing I knew, God directed my attention towards Him. It took me a little while to come to the correct conclusion, though. Knowing my Lord was right there beside me was very comforting, but I still didn't know which way my life was going. I felt as though I had no control over my life, that I wasn't the one holding the steering wheel. And that's what made me feel so weak, I think.
I finally realized I didn't lose everything, because I had everything in Christ. I know the Lord will do what He wills; and I know I can count on Him always; and I know I can forever be sure of Him. Everything on this earth will pass away and die, but Christ is forever. If Christ is the only thing I have, He's the only thing I need.
Shortly after that, I remembered the verse "...my strength is made perfect in weakness..." And it just encouraged me so much.
So I see that I am strong when Christ is all there is. Because nothing else is certain. But Christ is a sure foundation, a safe haven, a shelter in the time of storm. Nothing can knock me down or even get close enough to try when I lean on this Rock.
I'm learning to rely on God, and God alone. It's so much more of a better place than thinking I'm relying on something that's firm but really isn't. There's a noticeable difference. And there's a sweet peace that comes with leaving your life in God's hands and not trying to take control yourself.
We must keep pressing on. No matter how weak we feel, we must not give in to selfish feelings. It is so much the better for us to leave our lives in God's hands. Fear not. He will take care of us.
